Weddy's War Zone: January 2007

So pretty

.
.
.

.
.

Bak Kut Teh

.

.

.

went to this new Bak Kut Teh place at Balestier with fly boy and lalala girl.

So retro lor. macam time stood still in this place. I think it's called Kai Juan. Not sure though.

The food is yummy man. Look at our feast.

*SLURP*

Four Cajuns

.

Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin.

They were "philosophizing" on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Boudreaux said, "I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a 'tought', because before you ken tink of it it's already tought."

Thibodeaux said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is a 'blink' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk already."

Alfonse said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de lectricity travels fass-fass and the lights come on before you know it."

T-Boy said,"Ya'll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld is diarrhea."

Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?"

T-Boy said, "Yea, lass night before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights, I done shit ma pants."

received via email

Chinese Torture

.
.

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost,' said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to mankind."

"'OK," agreed the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well.

He entered the house.

Before dinner the daughter came down thestairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man and couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during the night he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room.

He was exhausted but happy. He awoke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked up the boulder,walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so, he noticed another note on the rock that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

"In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

received via email

Empire Strikes Back - Special Addition

.
.

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsabre duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: And get a haircut!

received via email :)
.

.

Flight Attendant

.
.
I was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

received via email

Billy's Confession

.
.
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, ofcourse, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behaviour over the last year."Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for yourbirthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for mybirthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Bobby.

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.Thank you.
Your friend Bobby.

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for mybirthday.
Bobby.

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!Thank you,
Bobby.

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!

received via email

Oz Trip December 2006

.

.

So as usual we did lots of shopping and eating.

Mish and Ell took us to this amazing cafe where I saw for the first time coffee art.

and if course this place had amazing food.

I had my favourite stuffed mushrooms. (3 different types of cheese! YAY!)

My man had his all time favourite dish in any western country...

PANCAKES!

Later on in the week we went to Port Campbell to have a quiet New Year's watching DVDs and enjoying each others company.

We also went to

It was spectacular. The views were simply magnificent. The wind was fantastci but the flies were EVERYWHERE!! Talk about annoying.

On the drive back we saw lots of cars stopped near this one point of the road and we decided to pull over and see what all the fuss was about. This was what I saw...

If my man hadn't shouted out that those were wild koalas in the trees by the road side I would have completely missed what everyone was staring at. My man galantly tried to get some nice pics for me but this is all we got.

In a desperate last attempt my man hiked down to get a better shot and was rewarded with this...

This fellar is lucky I didn't have a gun. I'd shoot him (or is it a her?). After all the trouble my man took to get closer for a good shot he gives us his ass. BASKET!

.

Distinction Between Guts and Balls

.
.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife who's holding a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you just flying off somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "YOU'RE NEXT FATTY"

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference as the outcome to both will ultimately result in a black eye, broken head, broken nose and will most probably end with the husband being hospitalised.

received via email