Only if it's Raining

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God-Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. " And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed , grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?"one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run anD drive my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."



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Suffering

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."



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This is Love

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It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 A.M., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."


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Popsicles and Sex

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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 yearold son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed ..."An ambulance just went by."

A few moments later," Looks like the Andersons have company." he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike..."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skateboard...."

A few more moments, " The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

" Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too......."



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How to Make a Woman Happy

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It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food


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This is Erik

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being mobbed by three women. which is very common for him I'm sure.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOY!

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The Difference Btween Heaven and Hell

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One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and died.

Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. Welcome," said St. Peter.

"Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No worries, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually,I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in a lift and it went down-down-down to Hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and in front of her were all her fellow executive friends that she had worked with, and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the lift.

The lift went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.>She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity".

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I would say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great, but I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw that her friends were dressed in rags and picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.

Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."


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The Blue Book

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John Blanchard stood up from the bench straightened his Navy uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose.

His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.

In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.

During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." She would recognize him by the small worn blue leather copy of the book that he would bring.

So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen.

Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Blanchard's words:

"A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive.

I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.

Almost uncontrollably, I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes.

The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.

And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small blue book.

This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.

I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"

The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"


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What a Woman Should Have

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one old love she can imagine going back to...
and one who reminds her how far she has come...

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

a youth she's content to leave behind...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..

a feeling of control over her destiny...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

how to fall in love without losing herself... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

when to try harder... and when to walk away...

that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

that her childhood may not have been perfect... but it is over...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month... and a year...



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New vocabulary

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The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners.

1 - Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2 - Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3 - Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4 - Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5 - Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6 - Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7 - Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8 - Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9 - Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 - Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11 - Glibido: All talk and no action.

12 - Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13 - Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14 - Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15 - Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

16 - And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


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What's your worth?

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In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes."

She began to expound..."As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do formyself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter.

I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money.I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

"I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

"I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden.

"I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

"I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy.

"God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "Youare asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."


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All i want for Christmas

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Problem is I don't know if this model is real or someone's impression of what the new generation cyber shot should look like. Sigh. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

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Oh my!

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