Medical Claims

A couple went to a sex therapist's office at ABC Hospital .
The doctorasked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.

This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's marriedand we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Shangri-la charges RM250, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280, Le Meridian charges RM230.
We do it here for RM60, and I get that back from "Medical Claim!"


received via email on 21st Jan 2006

I feel like eating...

this,

and this,

and washing it all down with this.

Chinese New Year always turns me into such a glutton.

Gong Xi Gong XI

.

Best wishes to all this Lunar New Year.

(especially to those who read my blog, yes all ten of you, i know who you are).

May we all prosper abundantly this year of the dog.

Love,

BrendyWendy.

Wedded Bliss

I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for nearly 3 years,and so we decided to get married.

There was only onelittle thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to comeover to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that shecouldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. "I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her goup the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties andthrew them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight tothe front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you havepassed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is :

Always keep your condoms in your car

received via email 27th Oct 2005

Baju for CNY

Aiyoh!

So hard to find clothes (i like) for CNY. Headache lah, trying to find something not too "aunty-ish" or hedious for CNY.

But i managed to this afternoon. Went to watch memoirs of a geisha with my target twin and after that we went to try and find something to decent for CNY.

We went to metro first. Some of the stuff was okay (as in not great) but some of the stuff we remember seeing from two years back. Scary! We were about to give up when i suggested we go and take a look at Isetan since it's near by. I found a gorgeous gold blouse. Took an or and a half of shopping though. All i gotta do now is decided what bottom to wear? my faded old jeans or maybe my black pants.

Reunion Dinner

My man, my mum and I were suppose to have reunion on 27th Jan. We could not have it on the 28th Jan like the rest of the Chinese people in the world cuz my man and I are both working and we work shifts.

My man had to do overtime on 27th Jan so we changed it to the 26th Jan and one week before CNY he was told he had to do overtime on the 26th Jan as well. So my mum and I went and ate today without him.

We went to Soup Restaurant and I must say my mum was right the food is fantastic.

We had the set for two which included a soup of the day, fan shu ye fried in sambal kangkong, steamed fish in superior soya sauce (VERY FRESH!) and one of their trademark dishes, Samsui Garlic Chicken and dessert.

This Samsui Garlic Chicken is not meant for those who do not ABSOLUETELY LOVE garlic. The chicken is like good quality boneless chicken rice chicken that is served with a garlic and ginger dip and a small plate of cabbage leaves. What you are suppose to do is pick a piece of chicken, dip it in the dip and wrap it is a cabbage leave and dig in. But i LOVE garlic so i skipped the cabbage wrap part.

I was so stuffed after that meal, was surprised I was able to move unassisted.

How to avoid the flu

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise becauseexercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

I put Lime in my Corona. (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary. (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio. (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh.(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

received via email 4th Nov 2005

Washing hands is a must

i am not sure i'd use these though.


received via email 4th Nov 2005

Mad piercings.

received via email 9th Nov 2005

Perceptions

Saw this while snooping through Mooiness.

So touching.

There is hope for the human race yet.

All about coWporations

This one has been around for some time, but it still brings a smile to my face.


A TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.


A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM 0.60 per litre or you cut the supply.
The buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decides you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.

Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.


A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

received via email 18th Sep 2005

Meme of 4

Tagged by the ever insightful Anthony


4 Jobs You’ve Had In Your Life

Data entry clerk (holiday job)
Frontline staff at an Insurance Company
Room Reservations Supervisor at a 5 star hotel
Customer Service Agent with a MEGA airline


4 Movies You Could Watch Over And Over

Pulp Fiction
Hero (chinese movie with Maggie Cheung)
Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham (hindi movie)
Casablanca


4 TV Shows You Love(d) To Watch

All the CSIs
Becker
House
All of Nigella Lawson cooking programmes


4 Places You’ve Been On Vacation To

San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, Las Vegas, USA
Bali, Indonesia
Sydney, Melbourne, Australia
Bangkok, Phuket, Thailand


4 Places You Would Rather Be At Now

Melbourne
Lake Tahoe
Touring Europe with my man
Revisiting Las Vegas with my man


4 Of Your Favourite Foods

Ayam Sioh
Buah Keluak
Black Pepper Crab
Penang Kway Teow

4 Websites You Visit

Finicky Feline
Kenny Sia
Almost Infamous
Yahoo.Com


I tag

My Target Twin aka Afghan Ada
Silent Strider

Got award okay

After much nervous anticipation it is all over.

My target twin did not win but at least her performance was good and she did not freeze up and totally lose her voice half way through the song.

She was a bit stiff but one could hardly blame her. Poor dear was a nervous wreck. The day did not run smoothly at all. Loosing her voice made her more nervouse. She could not sing the song she planned to and had to switch to a different one and was beating herself up over that. And she was late for sound check and was yelled at by one of the organisers. People act like such arses when they are under pressure.

After the whole talent show we headed to Sin Hoi Sai, also affectionately known as House of Sin by our bunch, for supper. This place has superb zhi cha. It's on East Coast Road, opposite Holy Family Church. Obviously since we were famished we did not stop to take pics once the food arrived. I am regretting that decision now.

It was a fun night even though my man got quite short with me for buying the "wrong" type of batteries for my target twin's digicam which caused the damn thing to keep dieing. Good thing my man brought his stylo mylo digicam too.

My Talented Target Twin

I am so excited.

There's this talent show going on at work and a close friend of my Target Twin is one of the organisers and has "forced" her to take enter.

The auditions are over and she made it.

SHE IS ONE OF THE FINALIST!

Way to go my dear target twin!

Good luck! Break a leg and all that jazz.

The finals will be held on 18th of this month and since I am on leave I get to go.

Remember to buy alot of three leg brand cooling water for your throat hor.

Old Friend

Old Friend

Everytime I've lost another lover
I call up my old friend
And say let's get together
I'm under the weather
Another love has suddenly come to an end
And he listens as I tell him my sad story
And wonders at my taste in men
And we wonder why I do it
And the pain of getting through it
And he laughs and says: "You'll do it again !"
And we sit in a bar and talk till two
'Bout life and love as old friends do
And tell each other what we've been through
How love is rare, life is strange
Nothing lasts, people change
And I ask him if his life is ever lonely
And if he ever feels despair
And he says he's learned to love it
'Cause that's really a part of it
And it helps him feel the good times when they're there

And we wonder if I'll live with any lover
Or spend my life alone
And the bartender is dozing
And it's getting time for closing
So we figure that I'll make it on my own

But we'll meet the year we're sixty-two
And travel the world as old friends do
And tell each other what we've been through
How love is rare, life is strange
Nothing lasts, people change

This is stolen from Audrey. I love it.

Late comers beware

A parish priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs, and even gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed,come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

..Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. " In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

received via email on 14th Jan 2005

Learn to spell. What on earth for?

Olny srmat poelpe can it smees.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it denos't mtater in waht oredr the ltetres in awrod are, the olny iprnoatmt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
I can raed tihs. Can you?

received via email on 29th Nov 2005

Drive Thru Atm

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing a new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.


MALE PROCEDURES:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


***********************************************************


FEMALE PROCEDURES:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
insideback page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back
of checkbook.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

received via email on 5th Dec 2005

The Empire Strikes Back : EXtra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
A furious lightsabre duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: And get a haircut!

received via email 19th Jun 2005

Fundemental differences

between men and women

NICKNAMES :
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Big-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT :
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY :
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS :
A man has 6 items in his bathroom : toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 37. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS :
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS :
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS :
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE :
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP :
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL :
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING :
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY :
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

received via email 18th Aug 2005

A genuine poem on friendship

1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b******d who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whateveris choking you..

3.When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about itevery chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want
whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

received via email on 24th Aug 2005

Joke

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, stripdown to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples,then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this babyis underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

receieved via email on 20th Dec 2005

Go get your mammies Grammed

This is hysterical! Be sure to read the whole thing.

For years and years they SAID

Be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.

And give them monthly tests.

So heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And always wore A bra.

After 30 years of astute care,

My gyno, Dr Pruitt,

Said I should get a Mammogram

"OK," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,

(She got my boob in line),

"And tell me when it hurts," she said,

"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate came slamming down,

My hooters in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,

From underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within it's viselike grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?!?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,

(The room was slowly swaying.)

"Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,

To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,

I will request a blindfold.

I have no wish to see again,

My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there,

And, see how THEY come out!

OK gals, now that you have had your laugh, remember. Breast Cancer Awareness. Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy! The WORST enemy is Breast Cancer.

received via email 18th Dec 2005

God is....

A fifth grade teacher, in a Christian school, asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas relating to God.

Here are some of the results. I think they are wonderful!

God is like.... BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles.

God is like... a FORD He's got a better idea.

God is like... COKE He's the real thing.

God is like... HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like... TIDE He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like... GENERAL ELECTRIC He brings good things to life

God is like... SEARS He has everything.

God is like... ALKA-SELTZER Try him, you'll like Him.

God is like... SCOTCH TAPE You can't see him, but you know He's there.

God is like... DELTA AIRLINES He's ready when you are

God is like... METROBANK You're in good hands with Him.

God is like... VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like... DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like...the U.S. POSTAL SERVICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God is like... SUZUKI He should be Your Way of Life.

received via email 24th Oct 2005

Joke

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


God replied,

"I didn't recognize you."

Received via email 4th Dec 2005

Precise Equation

Received via emil on 26th Nov 2005

NEW YEAR'S!

Had a last minute party to attend. (thanks for the invite G!)

It was cool to hang out with my friends again. It has been too long since our last outing.

This lovely couple(G and Meg) who hosted the New Year's eve party were not able to go to the wedding in Oz. Poor G had to go for reservist.

I poped by after work and had a great time catching up while stuffing my face and boozing up (of course!).

I don't think Meg ever realised our full potential to consume large amounts of alcohol (mainly beer). We had finished EVERYTHING in their fridge and started on the hard liquor.

My man also poped by after work at around 4.00am and we left close to 6am.

The party continued till 10am or so I was told.

Was too lazy to take any pics so you guys are spared.